After much soul searching I have finally made the decision to join a golf club. So I am now a proud member of Ross-on-Wye Golf club. My main objective is to get out into the great outdoors and to get some exercise. Hopefully my golf will improve and I'll make some more friends along the way.

First game today in hopefully sunny conditions .....

Linda has been down ever since we lost her Mum last year; so we discussed and decided, that we should dedicated ourselves to attend a rememberance day event every year so we could feel that we could acknowledge the passing of our parents and close friends. So today was the first day that we'd attended a rememberance ceremony, ever....
 
Even as we approached Ledbury and parked up I was holding back tears. I hadn't imagined that I would get so emotional. We had spoken on Saturday morning to a lady selling Poppies. She was a member of the British Legion and talked us through what would be happening and where. I have to say that I felt an immediate admiration for her and her dedication to the Rememberance day event. We would look out for her at the ceremony .. 

As the Sargeant started to bark his orders to the mixture of people that formed the "Company" I felt  a degree of trepidation as to whether I could get through this experience without embarrasing myself.

Well, without going into the details I managed not to cry or sob but the tears just kept streaming out and I just let them flow without wiping them away. I was lucky that it was a bright sunny morning and I could wear sunglasses which I hope hid my tearful eyes from all but the most observant onlookers.

Now I know what to expect I believe I will handle it better in future years. Linda was less emotional than i was which says a lot for her as she has the most raw memories of losing someone dear.

At the pub after wards we spent a couple of hours listening to Military veterans just scratching the surface of the terrible times they endured and the the friends they'd lost. I have never before given rememberance day the respect that it deserves. I intend to make that good in future years.

Wear your Poppy with pride ! 

A picture of Linda

You smile at me, dear Linda

from the picture on my wall

a reminder, should I need it

that this world is so cruel

The pleasures of life are better when shared

as we age the more this is true

you have shown the need to enjoy each moment

the irony is that we won’t enjoy them with you

What awaits us when we die ?

we must lose everything physical

but it seems it’s only now

that we consider those things spiritual

That carefree smile beams again

a memory of times so great

a tear-stained retrospective view but …

how much did we appreciate ?

As we struggle with the consequence

of such a tragic loss

our sense of fairness challenged ….

there’s no logic there for us

I hope you look down on me

from a new home in paradise

I’ll try to honour your memory

and we’ll make you proud of us

Maybe you’ve met with others

who’ve also passed away

I hold on to this naïve dream

of an eventual Freeman reunion day

Of course we’re not the only ones

to suffer such strong grief

death is all around us

it challenges our belief

I am not a religious man

my beliefs are based on life

but it surely isn’t hypocrisy

to hope for an after-life

I hope for it not just for me

but for all I’ve loved and lost

and fellow travellers in this life

whose paths with mine have crossed

Imagine the scene if we could all meet up

a tearful, joyful rendezvous

‘til then I’ll see your smiling face

and I’ll miss you

Tony

Jan 2003

Am I a racist ?

I don't think I'm a racist. I believe there are good (and some bad) people from all walks of life. I am however, becoming concerned at the severity at which some behaviour(s) are categorised against others. Suarez, John Terry (allegedly) and others are taking up a massively disproportionate amount of my BBC news licence fee. Many other, more serious crimes go completely unreported. This morbid and excessive focus on race issues will have a derogatory effect on race relations in the UK if we are not careful. I am sick and tired of it.

My main (favourite) worry is the attitude of the UK media in this regard. It's 18 years since Stephen Lawrence was murdered. In that 18 years 100's if not 1000's of people have been murdered in the UK but NONE of these have been raised at every opportunity in the same way that Stephen's has. Why is this ?

Without exception, the TV and tabloid media are like a dog with a bone. They won't let go of a story and persist in perpetuating certain cases when there are usually far more interesting and important issues to be discussed. Is it a case of low cost or "low hanging fruit" being easier to report on ?

Move on please BBC, ITV and Sky news. There are massive issues facing the country and you are not even mentioning them.

R.I.P Stephen .... along with all those other victims

Barry Barnett remembered

Barry Barnett – a tribute from a friend…

I met Barry when we started school at Capel manor in Bullsmoor Lane in the mid 60’s.

Even then, Barry was a great footballer and it was obvious he had a chance to make it as a professional footballer.

We moved on to Bishop Stopford school in Enfield to join his brother Russell. They say they’re the best days of your lives and this was no exception.

Barry made many friends. We all knew that Barry loved football and many thought would make it as a professional.

Barry’s Mum and Dad bought him an electric guitar and amplifier when he was around 14. They probably regretted it soon after as he spent many hours in his bedroom with his friends, all of us discovering that our talents lied elsewhere !

We enjoyed Rock n Roll music, including music from Chuck Berry, Eddie Cochran but most of all Elvis.

Even as a teenager, Barry had a love of comedy. He loved to watch the Marx brothers and Norman Wisdom in the old black and white movies. He would often watch the same films, over and over, again, laughing out loud the third or fourth time as much as the first. A few years later, Russ Abbott would give him as much pleasure. We would often borrow Russell’s Status Quo LPs and play them whilst he was out.

As 15 year-olds we used to sneak into pubs and drink halves of lager for 10p. We used to go to the Salisbury pub in Bush Hill park and sit in awe of the Teddy boys with their greased up quiffs and their ¾ length coats with suede shoes while they danced to the Rock n roll music. Everybody knew we were under age but we were good lads, well behaved and they left us alone to enjoy ourselves.

John Rouhan was Barry’s PE teacher and football mentor. When Barry left school, John introduced Barry to Colchester United FC.

Barry was then signed up as an apprentice footballer at Layer road and spent a couple of years with the club, even playing in a couple of first team cup games.

Barry’s Dad John would often be the taxi driver for Barry to enable him to get to football games. He would support Barry in most of his games through rain or shine.

Barry played mainly for the Colchester reserves and on match days he would often be seen signing autographs for the young fans. Barry’s teammates and opponents at this time included many who would go on to play for top class clubs.

Unfortunately, at the time when contracts were due to be signed at Colchester, Barry had picked up a knee injury. The uncertainty over the extent of the injury was enough to worry the manager at the time Jim Smith and prevent him signing Barry on professional terms.

This was a devastating blow. Other clubs were interested but Barry decided not to pursue any more opportunities in professional football.

Barry then had the opportunity to embrace “normal life” with the rest of us.

In the late 70’s he met Gina and they were eventually married. Barry and Gina set up home initially above Gina’s mum’s shop then off to Sheering in Essex before moving to Crown Lodge in Upshire.

Eventually, along came their two sons, Lee and Carl. Barry was always extremely proud of his sons. The family shared many holidays, some with myself and Linda mainly in Corfu and many happy times.

On one occasion, Barry went waterskiing in Corfu with an old friend called George who seemed to own most of the resort where they were staying. After about 10 minutes Barry was getting tired and waved to George “that was enough” and they should head for the shore. George took Barry’s waves to mean “Go faster, keep going !”. 30 mins later Barry scrambled up the beach. His arms were so tired that he couldn’t even lift his beer off the table that night !”….and that was saying something !

Around this time, Barry took up golf and enjoyed the occasional game of squash, for a while there was a small family squash leagues set up with games every Sunday night.

Barry and played Sunday football for the Royal Blues in Enfield with many friends, Willy Walker, Graham and Paul Moxom, Steve Sawkins, Soggy, Steve Humphries, myself and many others.

It was a well known fact that Barry had never missed a penalty – he had such a sweet left foot…. until one day a Sunday league keeper managed to get a hand to one and push it over the bar. Barry was bitterly disappointed – his 100% record was gone !

30 mins later it was all forgotten as we all met up for a drink after the game as usual.

He also had a keen interest in watching the game.

He supported Chelsea but was more interested in local teams such as Brimsdown and Enfield. Barry, his brother Russell, Graham Moxom and Billy Lawrence would often watch their games. They were happy days.

Sadly though, Barry and Gina’s marriage ended in divorce.

After a few years Barry then married Diane. They had many happy years together. They lived in Barnet initially, making many friends in the area often spending a Sunday afternoon in the Barnet Working men’s club.

He loved horse racing and his favourite horse was “Baby Barry” – can’t think why ! Barry would bet on the horse every time it ran. Nobody knows if he ended up making any money – I doubt it !

Barry had been a lorry driver for some time and Diane was a Cook but whilst they were living in Waltham Abbey, they decided to enter Pub management. This seemed a great idea at the time. Pub management suited Barry and Diane’s gregarious nature and with Diane’s cooking skills, a rosy future beckoned. ….

Barry was a big fan of the TV program “Only Fools and Horses”. He collected the whole set of DVDs of every series. At the end of a long day in the pub he would often sit down and watch these. He picked up a few of Del boy’s sayings and his favourite line back to Diane was

“a man’s not an island you know !”

Things didn’t go entirely according to plan in the pub business, Frustratingly, Barry and Diane suffered a number of setbacks as the pubs they were placed in couldn’t develop enough trade.

Barry and Diane bought a beautiful Alsatian puppy. They called him Barney. It turned out that Barney was half dog, half bear. He was enormous – the biggest dog you’ve ever seen. Barry and Diane loved him.

Altogether they ran about 7 pubs around the south east of England, eventually moving to The Rat’s Castle in St Albans.

Barry and Diane really made a great impression here in St Albans It was a time of friendship, camaraderie, and good times.

A regular event at any of the pubs run by Barry and Diane was a night of live music by Dave Parry. Dave often performs as Elvis. Barry and Diane loved Dave’s shows and would arrange for him to entertain their customers at every opportunity.

Barry would also run discos in the pub. He had bought lots of the equipment over the years and would be the DJ on a Friday night in the “Rats”. Barry’s style was laid back to say the least and he would hardly say a word whilst playing his 60s, 70s and 80’s music. In his mind he didn’t need to – the music spoke for itself.

Many friendships were made in a short time at the Rat’s Castle. Barry and Diane would still be there today if they could have stayed…. But they were asked to move onto their current pub the bread and cheese in Benfleet.

Whilst in Benfleet, Barry and Diane made friends with Shawn who from being a customer at the pub has become a true friend and in recent weeks has been a real pillar of strength for Diane.

Barry enjoyed his golf and for a while was a member at the Mill Green golf club in Hatfield. He enjoyed many games with Lee and Carl

In the past few years Barry’s sons Lee and Carl have met their own partners and earlier this year, Barry become a proud grandfather when Lee and his wife Rachel had a daughter who they named Mia.

All his life Barry enjoyed the support of his close family. Not just his Mum and Dad but also his Aunt Velma and Uncle Fred, who have treated Barry as a son.

For what it’s worth, Barry was simply my best friend. Since we were kids, he was always there for me. I hope I was there for him too.

I’ll miss him terribly, we all will, his laid back style, his smile, his way of always making a joke out of every situation. He left a lasting impression on everybody he knew.

We’ll always love you Barry – rest in peace mate !

Oh No - screaming kids in pubs !

Pubs are the last bastion of adult enjoyment, or that was the case until recent years.

There are few places to take refuge from a screaming kid and a pub used to be the safe bet. On Christmas Eve we popped into the Red Lion to catch up with a few friends only to find that we couldn't hear ourselves talk due to a 3 year old girl rolling around at my feet while I stood at the bar. This child would scream like a stuck pig every 30 seconds or so it was ear-piercing. In fact, it was so bad that I checked with Mrs Tone and we agreed to leave before even ordering our drinks.

I will continue to do this and will make sure that the landlord is aware that the presence of a misbehaving child in what I consider to be an adult environment means that they lose my business.

I encourage all you fellow grumpies to do the same.

Things I wish I’d said

There are things I’ve done that I’m glad I’ve done
….and sometimes things I wish I’d done instead
There are things I’ve said that I’m glad I did
….and things I’ve left unsaid

Like “I love you Dad” when he was ill
Because that’s what I felt inside
Rather than let raw emotion choke and stop me saying it
Just one more time before he died

As Linda lay in her dying bed
Seemingly drugged and asleep
I wish I had whispered I love you
Instead of crumbling in a heap

I wish I’d spoken to Colin
after mum had died
To assure him that my intentions were good
He saw the other side ….

I wish I’d kept in touch with more people than I have
I thought they’d always last
But school friendships which seemed so fundamental
Are now consigned to the past ….

I’ll never forget that moment

I’ll never forget that moment
However hard I’d try
Despite the optimistic tone
I knew you were going to die

The feeling of such helplessness
Was really so profound
An all-encompassing cloud
Affecting all around

Let’s beat this thing, we won’t give in
Was our defiant cry
But behind the hugs and awkward smiles
We knew that you would die

Right so Lin has limited time
Let’s make her last year fun
But defiance turned to denial
and the right thing wasn’t done

The cruelest countdown had begun
To the inevitable broken hearts
We didn’t know the end date
But we knew this was the start

We began our mourning then for Lin
But she was still alive
Let’s put a proper perspective on life
Until the dreaded day arrives ….

New Years day, 2003
Linda’s release came around
“it’s for the best” we told ourselves
…but the loss was so profound

The pain of loss felt by so many
Answers to our questions still to give
Where the justice – there isn’t any
...she had so much life to live ?

On special days we remember Lin
That loss prevails today
But we move on with our lives
Lin would want it that way


TBC ….

The fight

The sign

It’s like a screen held six inches from my eyes
….the size of a human hand
The sign says “Your sister’s dying”

Meanwhile life goes on only in my peripheral vision
Occasionally my name is mentioned and I respond
Trying to pretend that all is normal

I am trying my best not to believe
this obscene sign with its obscene words
I am trying to negotiate a reprieve

“Importance” has taken on a new perspective
“Impotence” is what I feel
Meanwhile the world turns as “normal”

I don’t believe that “normal” will ever exist
Unless we find cure to the monster
That lies within my sister’s belly

When we discuss it we both know what’s at stake
But the words we use are positive, reassuring
I just hope we are strong enough for the fight



Thursday December 12, 2002

Greek debt

I have to agree that the Greek protests resembled the tantrums of a spoilt child. The Greeks generally enjoy an much less stressful way of life, earlier retirement pension, generally less of a rat race. Yet they want to benefit from the rewards of the Euro zone without contributing enough. They should never have been allowed to join the Euro.